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Kevin Lomax: Is this a test?
John Milton: Isn't everything?

John Milton: Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man INSTINCTS! He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusment, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste! Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha! And when you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass! He's a sadist! He's an absentee landlord. Worship THAT? NEVER!

John Milton:  Freedom, baby... is never having to say you're sorry.

John Milton:  Guilt is just a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down.

John Milton: Well, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most depraved act of sexual theater known to man and 1 being the usual Friday night run-through at the Lomax household, I'd say, not to be immodest, Mary Ann and I got it on to about... eleven.

[Speaking of God.]
John Milton: Look, but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, but don't swallow.

Kevin Lomax:What about love?
John Milton:  Overrated. Biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

John Milton:  The worst vice is advice.

[Speaking of God]
John Milton: He's an absentee landlord.

John Milton: I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.

John Milton: I'm the hand under Mona Lisa's skirt.

John Milton: Vanity, definitely my favorite sin.

Mary Ann Lomax: I know we've got all this money, and it's supposed to be okay, but it's not.

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